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May. 11th, 2015 09:08 pm TOM BRADY SITS TO PEE.

New England Patriots quarterback Tommy Brady, who sits to pee, was suspended Monday for four regular-season games without pay by the N.F.L., which said he had deliberately and secretly violated league rules.

He cheated.

The N.F.L. also fined the Patriots-Rhymes-With-Idiots $1 million and took away two future draft picks, including a first-round choice in 2016, saying that the team, and Tommy Brady, who sits to pee, schemed to improperly deflate footballs in the A.F.C. championship game last season on the way to securing New England’s fourth Super Bowl victory.

A deflated football is said to be easier to grip, especially in the cold and wet conditions that the Patriots faced at home against the Indianapolis Colts on Jan. 18.

The Patriots' backup quarterback, is Jimmy Garoppolo.

Who?

The NFL report said Patriots quarterback Tommy Brady, who sits to pee, was aware of the deflated footballs he used against the Indianapolis Colts in the A.F.C. championship game.

Coach Bill Belicheat's tactics have angered some opponents. Cheating usually does.

In a statement, N.F.L. Commissioner Roger Goodell-Boob mumbled that he supported the punishment issued by the league’s executive vice president for football operations, Troy Vincent, for what the league called “conduct detrimental to the integrity of the N.F.L.” The team and Tommy Brady, who sits to pee, were also censured for not fully cooperating with a league-commissioned investigation into how a vast majority of footballs used in the first half of the Patriots’ victory in the A.F.C. championship game ended up underinflated not long after the game officials had measured and approved the footballs in a pregame inspection.

HFN says this: When pro cyclist Lance Armstrong was caught juicing his championships were taken away. The NFL should (but they won’t) take away the Pats’ championships. Hit Bill Belicheat, a serial cheater, where it really hurts.


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Jan. 30th, 2015 06:42 pm The HFN SUPER BOWL XLIX PREDICTION - GUARANTEED.

The Hartman Football Newsletter

America’s Leading Authority on Football

Super Bowl 2015 Special Edition

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The Super Bowl, the biggest holiday of the year, bigger than all the other holidays combined.

On the calendar it doesn’t even get a red letter. No special Hallmark cards even!

Maybe Congress should act. Pass a law making this, the most special of days, a legal holiday.

Bill Beli-choke, we know we don’t like inflation, but that applies only to grocery prices and egos.

Roger Goodell-Boob is somehow still NFL Commissioner. Why? Was he thinking Ray Rice

And his fiancé were just playing “Rock’em Sock’em Robots” in that elevator?

Didn’t we tell you so months ago? The Rams will be moving back to where they belong: Los Angeles.

You heard it here first. HFN isn’t “America’s Leading Authority on Football” for nothing.

Someone tell Katy Perry to keep it quiet at half-time. Yes, she has that great one octave vocal range,

It’s just we would rather spend that time emptying our bladders in preparation for the second half.

The concussion controversy is missing an important point: Really, should anyone be playing a

Sport as rough as football after their 30th birthday?

That idiot commissioner Goodell-Boob still wants a team in London as in not in America.

Only a complete moron like him would come up with an idea as bad as that. Roger Goodell-Boob,

Please report to HFN, with your head on a platter.

Everybody loves wings, guacamole, chips and beer for Super Bowl Sunday,

Except for Roger Goodell-Boob. He has tea and crumpets.

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The HFN SUPER BOWL XLIX PREDICTION

Even though HFN has a 1-16 record for Super Bowl predictions, go ahead and bet the mortgage.

Pats head coach Bill Belichick and QB Tom Brady both said they were utterly baffled as to how the Patriots came into possession of 11 underinflated footballs for the A.F.C. championship game. Bet they won’t shop at that sporting goods store again. Anyone believe them?

Both the Pats and the Seattle Seasquawks had slow starts in 2014. After New England’s 41-14 flop at Kansas City in Week 4, HFN wondered if we were witnessing (hoping for) the end of the Tom Brady/Bill Belichick-era Pats. But since that game, the offensive line came together, TE Rob Gronkowski’s health improved and Brady became red-hot. Since that game, New England has averaged 35.3 points per game.

Seattle can tell a similar story. After stumbling to 3-3, it allowed only 11.3 points per game over its final 10 regular-season games; no other team allowed fewer than 16 points per game over that span.

The best offense against the best defense. But there is a choke factor here. The Pats had a dominant team a few years ago, faced Da Jints in Super Bowl XLVI, and folded like a dinner napkin. Ditto Super Bowl XLII, and last season’s AFC Championship game. The Seahawks can play like a steaming pile, like in the NFC Championship game, with QB Russell Wilson tossing 4 picks, and still find a way to win.

Seattle Seahawks 31, New England Patriots 24.

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Jan. 26th, 2015 07:38 pm BREAKING NEWS !! TOM BRADY IS HURT !!

TOM BRADY IS HURT.

Tom Brady on the Disabled List for Super Bowl XLIX

HFN is reporting PATS QB Tommy Brady won’t play in Super Bowl XLIX, due to injuries suffered after Deflate-Gate.

“It’s all speculation,” Brady said on radio. “I’ve tried to wrap my head around it, too. I’ve done that and I’m trying to move past that, because I continue to try to rehash things. I personalized a lot of things and thought this was all about me, and my feelings got hurt.”

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MARK BRUNELL CRIES.

DeflateGate brought out the emotional side of Mark Brunell.

Following Tommy Brady’s press conference on Thursday, ESPN analyst Mark Brunell reacted strongly toward the PATS QB’s explanation. Brady denied any wrongdoing in the case of the deflated footballs, leading Brunell to essentially call him a lying sack of deflated cow manure..

Brunell, a 17-year NFL veteran, began to choke like one of the PATS as he talked about not believing Brady, and he even came close to the point of tears.

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TERRELL OWENS SAYS BRADY IS A CHUMP.

Nobody can escape "Deflategate" — not even T.O. - Terrell Owens.

Owens, was recently interviewed by HFN and was asked whether he believes that PATS QB Tommy Brady and head coach Bill Beli-choke are telling the truth about not having anything to do with the deflated footballs during the AFC Championship.

"Tom Brady knew those balls was deflated," Owens said. "These two are telling tales."

As for Tommy Brady saying he couldn't tell the difference?

"Anybody that picks up a ball that has been playing for a number of years knows when a ball is under-inflated."

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PATS BLAME THE BALL BOY.

The New England Patriots have spent much of the past week answering questions from the league and HFN regarding whether they knew their football were illegally deflated during the AFC title game. Now it appears the NFL has honed in on a potential culprit, per a report HFN.

According to HFN, the league has reason to believe a Patriots ball boy may have taken the footballs from the officials' locker room to a different area on the way to the field. The league has apparently already interviewed the ball boy and may have video (which Roger Goodell will ignore for six months), though it is still deciphering whether any actual wrongdoing occurred. Still, the ball boy is currently a "strong person of interest."

It’s the best the PATS have to offer for shifting the blame. A ball boy.

The NFL has not only rules for inflating footballs but also how those balls are handled before and during a game. Accordingly, a ball boy moving the footballs from the officials' locker room before the game raises red flags.

Head coach Bill Beli-choke and quarterback-cry-baby Tommy Brady have steadfast denied deflating the footballs below the prescribed limit. Beli-choke offered a possible scientific explanation for the deflated balls, though neither Bill Nye the Science Guy nor the manufacturers of the balls themselves buy it.

The NFL has noted physicist Dr. Sheldon Cooper studying the matter.

Perhaps the NFL will find the correct answer from their targeted ball boy.

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PATS DEFLATED THE RAVENS

“Deflate-Gate” may go back farther than anyone previously realized.

While the NFL mulls over how to punish the New England Patriots, accusations continue to mount against the AFC Conference Champions.

The Baltimoron Ravens, who were quite bitter after their Divisional loss, have officially joined the Deflate-Gate fray.

The Ravens allegedly warned the Colts that the Patriots before the AFC Championship match about the possibility of deflated balls.

HFN says this is what led to the investigation following the Baltimore Colts’ loss.

The NFL looked into the matter, and found that the Patriots had under-inflated 11 of 12 game balls.

Patriots coach Bill Belichick has officially gone on record as having no explanation for Deflate-Gate, it was an accident.

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Jan. 13th, 2015 09:27 pm JETS RUIN ANOTHER PROMISING CAREER.

The JETS JETS JETS reached an agreement with “Big Head” Todd Bowles, the defensive coordinator of the Arizona “Ice Tea” Cardinals, to destroy his career by becoming their next head coach. Earlier, the JETS JETS JETS announced they had hired Mike Maccagnan, the Houston Texans’ director of college scouting, to become its next general manager, also ending his career.

As the Jets seek to reach the playoffs for the first time since 1968, they have turned to two New Jersey natives who are widely respected around the N.F.L. to restore the team to mediocrity.

Weeb Ewbank, the JETS JETS JETS first choice to be head coach, was unavailable because he is dead.

Rex “Blunder Dog” Ryan, recently fired by the JETS JETS JETS, took a job in Buffalo, and is sure to drive that franchise right into the ground.

In hiring “Big Head” Todd Bowles the day after Rex “Blunder Dog” Ryan was formally announced as the Buffalo Bills’ coach, the JETS JETS JETS are replacing one over-rated defensive coach with another..

“Big Head” Todd Bowles, who played at Shirley Temple U. and for eight years in the N.F.L., has spent the last 15 seasons in the league as an assistant coach. He began his N.F.L. coaching career with the JETS JETS JETS, in 2000, and also worked for Cleveland, Dallas, Miami and Philadelphia before going to Arizona before the 2013 season.

Bowles is likely to pursue Chan Gailey, the former Cowboys and Bills failure , as the offensive coordinator.

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Dec. 22nd, 2014 09:12 pm The Coaching Carousel is soon to start up.

Are the Michigan Wolverines opening the university’s bank vaults to persuade Forty-Whiners head coach Jim Harbaugh to save their program? The deal would make Harbaugh him the highest-paid coach in college football.

Michigan is offering the current San Fiasco coach and former Michigan QB a $48-million deal over six seasons. The $8 million per year would be more than $800,000 higher than the total compensation Alabama's Nick Satan received in 2014. Satan's salary currently makes him the highest-paid coach in college football.

The salary compares well to NFL coaching pay too. New Orleans Saints coach Sean “Bounty” Payton is the highest-paid coach in the league at $8 million a year. Which he doesn’t deserve, given how the Aints are playing this year.

Before moving to the 49ers in 2011, Harbaugh coached at Stanford for four seasons after coaching at the University of San Diego for three. He was a candidate to coach at Kansas in 2009, but the Jayhawks went with Turner Gill. Too bad for KU, because the Jayhawks have stunk ever since.

In his final season at Stanford, the Cardinal won the Orange Bowl.

But...................................................


Harbaugh is the only Forty-Niners head coach to lose a Super Bowl.

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One more week until Rex Ryan is fired.

That's all that might be left in Rex Ryan's tenure as coach of the JETS JETS JETS, with his future uncertain beyond Sunday's season-ending loss at Miami.

Big changes are up for the JETS JETS JETS, who are a putrid 3-12 after a 17-16 loss to the New England Patriots on Sunday and finishing out a fourth straight season without a playoff appearance.

Owner Woody “Woodenhead” Johnson should clean house next Monday by firing Ryan as well as general manager John “Idiot” Idzik, pushing the flush lever on the franchise.

Beyond that, of course, is anyone's guess. Woodenhead Johnson has been keeping his thoughts on the train wreck to himself, but he has to be crapping bricks with what has transpired on the field or off during the past few seasons.

The players haven't given up hope that Ryan could return, but they know the decision is out of their hands. They could, however, have better stated their case on the field. It would have helped if they had not sucked so bad. The JETS JETS JETS' two losses to the Pats this season were by a total of 3 points, and seven of their 12 losses overall were by 10 or fewer points.

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Da Jints, dey need a new coach.

Tom Coughlin is soon to be retired, like in about a week.

He was a good coach but Da Jints are working on a streak of missing the playoffs five times in six years. If that one playoff trip hadn’t ended with a Super Bowl title, he might not have lasted this long. A stink-o loss at Jacksonville might have been the final blow. Just seems like it’s time for a change, though he has survived bad seasons before.


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Dec. 18th, 2014 06:44 pm The Chicago Bears show truly inept team management.

The Chicago Bears have benched the highest-paid offensive player in football.

Because his play was offensive.

Just hours after dismissing the idea of benching quarterback Jay Cutler during his Wednesday press conference, Chicago Bears head idiot Marc Trestman has indeed made switch to the profoundly over-rated and incompetent Jimmy “Pickle” Clausen.

The Chicago Bears have decided to destroy their franchise. The Bears, with a pathetic 5-9 record, have already been eliminated from playoff contention and have no long-term investment in Jimmy Clausen. They do, however, have Cutler locked up with a fat multi-million dollar contract signed just this past offseason.

What were they thinking, giving all that money to a QB who regularly is on injured reserve with “hurt feelings?”

For the Bears to bench Cutler now suggests that big changes are coming to Chicago after the season.

A move back to Decatur?

Cutler currently leads the league with 24 turnovers.

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Dec. 15th, 2014 07:14 pm Miscellaneous ANGER and RAGE

The JETS JETS JETS, long eliminated from playoff contention, have reached a non-critical stage of their season. The“Jets Pick” of the NFL Draft appears all but sewn up.

The first choice in the NFL Draft is traditionally known as the “Jets Pick.” History has a tendency to repeat itself often for the JETS JETS JETS.

WR Chris Owusu's juggling reception, hauled in while being slammed to the turf, was the best play of the season.

Comforting thought, that. Every week the JETS JETS JETS somehow summon the will to make it to the stadium to play, and they did again Sunday in Minnesota, where they went 0 for 5 in the red zone, lost a fumble at the goal line and allowed a game-winning 87-yard touchdown on a screen pass. They made it almost exciting by choking in overtime, 30-24.

A problem for the JETS JETS JETS this season has been that not just one play goes awry. It is two. Or four. Or seven. And they do not make enough good plays to compensate. Or any good plays, really.

Just End The Season.

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WR Reggie “The Main Brain” Wayne broke the Baltimore Colts’ franchise records for games played and career wins. Wayne, NFL ancient at age36, played in his 209th career game as the Colts hosted Houston. That broke a tie with his ex- teammate Peyton “Moon” Manning, who played in 208 games before he was cut from the squad in March 2012. Peyton Moon now plays for Denver.

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Houston Texans QB Ryan Fitzpatrick was carted off the field early in the second quarter at Indianapolis.   He came down with Joe Theisman disease.

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Da Jints have a star again: Odell “Bend it Like” Beckham, the rookie sensation and human highlight reel, has Jints fans excited to be alive again. Despite missing the first four games because of a hamstring injury, Beckham has 972 receiving yards, a record for a Jints rookie. Jeremy “Duh” Shockey held the old mark with 894. Beckham, who had 12 catches Sunday for 143 yards, has 23 receptions, 273 receiving yards and four touchdown catches in the last two games, both Jints victories.

If Victor Cruz can get healthy again in 2015 Jints QB Eli “Son of Archie and brother of Peyton-Moon” Manning might start playing well again, not like the crap he’s been playing this season.

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Rookie QB Johnny Manziel of Cleveland said his embarrassing debut as a starter against Cincinnati was “very humbling.”

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Bad news for the Dallas Cowboys: The N.F.L.’s rushing leader, DeMarco Murray, has a broken left hand, and it could be a damaging blow to the playoff hopes of the Dallas Cowboys.

Murray was set to go under the knife Monday and might be on the sideline Sunday at home against The Colts, already a playoff qualifier. Even though the Cowboys beat Philadelphia on Sunday to take the N.F.C. East lead, they might have to win both of their remaining games to end a four-year postseason drought.

Coach Jason “Princeton is Free” Garrett would not rule out DeMarco’s playing against the Colts.

Murray has 1,687 yards rushing and needs 87 yards to break the N.F.L. career rushing leader Emmitt Smith’s franchise record of 1,773 yards. Murray played his college ball at Oklahoma.


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Dec. 8th, 2014 03:37 pm Why can't the Jets play in this division?

Never underestimate the toilet bowl depths to which the NFC South can sink.

The NFC South stinks fifteen ways to a sewer plant: The Carolina Panties, at 4-8-1, will be a half-game out of first place if (when) the Atlanta Falcan’ts lose tonight in Green Bay.

(HFN Prediction: Lambeau Field will be soaked with Atlanta blood.)

The Panties somehow crushed the New Orleans Aints 41-10 in the Superdump on Sunday. The Aints used to be unbeatable there, but now it’s Mardi Gross every weekend. They’ve played four stink-bombs in a row at home and the implosion against a stinkeroo Panties team that was 1-7-1 since Week 2 is a low point. Will the paper bags return?

It’s a low point not just for the Aints, but for the division.

You very well might think the Panties are back to being a fairly good team. No. They’re awful. The Aints were just so much crappier. The only time the Aints showed any desire to play hard on the field was after Cam “Ringer” Newton celebrated a TD and a brawl started.

Fire Sean “Place” Payton, Aints.

The NFL will very possibly have a division chumpeen with double-digit losses. What’s worse is that they will get to host a play-off game, probably against a Wild Card with a much better record. Wrong, wrong, just so wrong.

The standings as of now:

NFC South

Wins

Losses

Ties

PCT

PF

PA

STRK

Fal-Can’ts

5

7

0

.417

291

299

W1

Aints

5

8

0

.385

333

359

L1

Panties

4

8

1

.346

269

341

W1

Yuck-aneers

2

11

0

.154

237

348

L3

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Current Mood: blahblah

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Dec. 2nd, 2014 07:01 pm A quick history of the Oklahoma - Poor Dumb Oklahoma A&M Aggies Rivalry.

The first Oklahoma – Poor Dumb Oklahoma A&M Aggies football game was held in Guthrie, Oklahoma in 1904. It was a cold and very windy day with the temperatures well below the freezing mark. At one moment in the game when the Poor Dumb Oklahoma A&M Aggies were punting, the wind carried the ball backwards behind the kicker. If the Poor Dumb Oklahoma A&M Aggies recovered the ball it would be a touchback and if the University of Oklahoma squad recovered it, it would be a touchdown. The ball kept going backwards and rolled down a hill into the half-frozen creek. Since a touchdown was at stake, members of both teams dove into the icy waters to recover the ball. A member of the OU team came out with the ball and downed it for a touchdown, eventually crushing the Poor Dumb Aggies 75–0.

Oklahoma currently leads the series 84–17–7. The series has historically been very lopsided in the Sooners' favor; the Poor Dumb Oklahoma A&M Aggies have defeated OU twice in a row just three times since World War II, and has never done it three times in a row.

Is it a rivalry if one team always wins?

Poor Dumb Oklahoma A&M Aggies, even with both Thurman Thomas and Barry Sanders on the roster, could not win a Big 8 Conference title.

Former NFL lineman Dexter Manley admitted he finished college and could not read. Manley attended Oklahoma A&M.

Mike Gundy, who is a man and is 40, played and coached for Oklahoma A&M.

HFN prediction for the 109th meeting of these two schools, one with a great football tradition:

Oklahoma 150, Oklahoma A&M 0.

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Dec. 1st, 2014 07:03 pm Miscellaneous ANGER and RAGE.

Miscellaneous ANGER and RAGE

Da Jints, dey is through for 2014. Talk of a potential off-season changes to the coaching staff should be tuned out, Tommy Coughlin, the coach of the 3-9 team said. He said that because he’ll probably be fired sooner than that.

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Houston Texans QB Ryan Fitzpatrick, starting in place of the injured Ryan Mallett, passed for a personal-best six touchdowns — also a franchise record — as Houston routed the Tennessee Tuxedo Titans. Fitz went to jock school Harvard.

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N is for Knowledge. Bo Pelini was dismissed as Nebraska’s head coach Sunday after a seven-year stagger marked by an inability to restore the football team to national prominence and too many embarrassing defeats. Like that Wisconsin game. Should have stayed in the Big 12, Huskers.

Pelini won at least nine games every season, but he never won a conference championship, and his teams lost four games in every season he completed. Pelini was 66-27 and led the Cornhuskers to three league championship games in the Big 12 and Big Ten.

It took Huskers legendary coach Tom Osborne 8 years to win a conference title outright and 20 years to win a national championship.

The associate head coach, Barney “Pickin” Cotton, a Nebraska alumnus, will be the interim head coach.

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The Chokeland Raiders set a new record for franchise futility. In the midst of a horrific 1-11 season, the Oakland Raiders suffered a historically terrible loss on Sunday, falling 52-0 to the St. Louis Rams at the Edward Jones Dome. The Rams started journeyman QB Shaun Hill, who beat the Raiders running and passing.

The massive humiliation was the second-worst defeat in the franchise’s 54 year history, falling just shy of a 55-0 drubbing by the Houston Oilers on September 9, 1961.

Interim head coach Tony “Baloney” Sparano guaranteed that interim tag would be permanent. And why does this hillbilly think he needs to wear sunglasses at a night game?

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When discussing concussions and permanent brain injury among NFL players, does anyone want to the obvious?: Nobody should be playing tackle football after age 30. The wear and tear on joints and the noggin are just too much for anyone human being, especially since most men start playing football somewhere around the ninth grade. The damage from concussions is cumulative, and as it appears to be, permanent. But fans players and the NFLPA will never allow an age limit.

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Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated

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