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Oct. 22nd, 2014 08:49 pm Da Jints Lose.

After the Da Jints Bumbled, fumbled and stumbled to start the 2014 season, it was something of a surprise when they managed a three-game winning streak.

But disaster was right around the corner.

Consecutive road games against the best teams in the NFC (L)East would be the games that would measure how far the Da Jints had moved forward from last year’s toilet bowl of a season.

At Philly last week and against the high-flying Hated Dallas Cowboys on Sunday, Da Jints discovered that their one step forward could indeed be followed by two steps backward - right into a steaming pile on the sidewalk.

Da Jints hoped to clean their soles Sunday against the Hated Cowboys. Too late. The doo-doo dried on.

In the end, Hated Dallas increased its winning streak to six games with a 31-21 victory.  Da Jints will head into their bye week with a 3-4 record. Da Jints are expected to beat "Bye."

Da Jints' next game is at home against the Baltimore Colts, which has won its last five games. Like they can win against Andrew Luck and Company. Not going to happen.

While Hated Dallas had a slight statistical edge and benefited from some star performances — over-rated quarterback Tony Romo miraculously did not throw an incompletion in the second half and RB DeMarco Murray continued on with his MVP season — the most pivotal play was very likely a fumble by Jints tight end Larry Donnell early in the fourth quarter. Idiot butterfingers stone-hands moron. Loser.

Da Jints, season over.





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Oct. 17th, 2014 10:18 pm Cubs Decide to Ruin Wrigley Field.

CHICAGO (HFN) Construction equipment is starting to take big bites out of Wrigley Field's exterior outfield walls.

The demolition of the historic Wigley Field bleachers is part of a project to build a large electronic sign and six other outfield signs.

Cubs spokesman and moron Julian Green said Thursday the affected walls won't be rebuilt for several weeks. Green said the ivy-covered outfield wall is safe from demolition.

The work is part of the Chicago Cubs' privately funded and over-priced - and unnecessary $575 million renovation project, which started despite a legal fight involving owners of rooftop businesses across the street. Those businesses fear their views of the field will be blocked and they have sued the city.

The Cubs - perennial losers - and Major League Baseball Commissioner - perennial idiot - Bud Selig took part in a ceremonial groundbreaking on Saturday.

Whoever owns the Chicago Cubs - for ruining Wrigley Field - the historic home at one time to the Chicago Bears:

Please report to HFN

With your head on a platter.

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Oct. 17th, 2014 09:54 pm Watch Football This Weekend.

Top Games to watch this weekend:

14 KANSAS STATE at 11 OKLAHOMA

Noon, ESPN

K-State might be a top-five team if not for a number of stupid mistakes and some bad luck that led to a 20-14 choke to Auburn this season. Like Auburn is any good. Earlier this season, Oklahoma seemed like a favorite a Top Four play-off spot, but a painful loss on the road to Texas Christian knocked it down to 11th in the rankings. Quarterback Trevor Knight has looked shaky lately, but the Sooners are at home for the first time since Sept. 13, and Knight will surely benefit.
Trivia: K-State head coach Bill Snyder knew Moses personally.
Oklahoma 35, K-State 21.
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21 TEXAS A&M at 7 ALABAMA

3:30 p.m., CBS

Alabama’s 14-13 victory over Arkansas was not the bounce-back game that the Men of Tide wanted after that loss to Ole Miss. The Tide offense struggled, and receiver Amari Cooper was held to two catches for 22 yards. Texas A&M has lost its past two games — to Mississippi State and Mississippi — and seems as if it could be in free fall - straight into a manure pile of unmet expectations. Aggie QB Kenny "over-rated" Hill was an early Heisman candidate but has thrown five interceptions in those losses.
Alabama 50, Texas A&M 10
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5 NOTRE DAME at 2 FLORIDA STATE

8 p.m., ABC-TV

Two top-five teams will square off for the second straight week in a game that will have huge ramifications for the college football landscape. This matchup is even more of a blockbuster than last week’s game between Mississippi State and over-rated Auburn. Notre Dame and Florida State are a storied program in college football and a story of criminal behavior by players.
Golden-Domer QB Everett Golson, who has also never lost in the regular season (16-0) and whose only loss came two years ago in the BCS title game to Alabama, had to sit out last season because of academic suspension. But this season, he has emerged as a Heisman candidate. He has struggled with turnovers, however, coughing the ball up nine times in his past three games.
Then there's Florida State. FSU has tons of talent and is undefeated but has not seemed to live up to its potential, particularly on defense. It's star QB, Jameis "Shame Us" Winston has been too much of a distraction. Plus he's an idiot.
Notre Dame seems as if it might be playing over its head - but it isn't. The only other ranked teams left on Notre Dame’s schedule are No. 17 Arizona State and No. 22 Southern California (a directional school). Florida State has an easier schedule, with not a single ranked team left. Figures. Look for the Golden Domers to upset.
Notre Dame 24, Florida State 17.
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Rest in Peace, Tommy Lewis, a part of college football's history.

Tommy Lewis, a former football player for the University of Alabama who gained fame for making a tackle when he was not supposed to be on the field, died on Sunday in Huntsville, Ala. He was 83.

Lewis left the sideline in the 1954 Cotton Bowl and tackled the all-American halfback Dicky Moegle of Rice near midfield. Moegle had eluded the Men of Tide’s Bart Starr (the NFL legend played both sides of the ball in college) and was on his way to a 95-yard touchdown when Lewis brought him down. Lewis ran back to the bench, and Moegle was credited with a touchdown.

Lewis explained his actions by saying that he “was just too full of Alabama.”
Rice won the game, 28-6. Yes, at one time Rice did play good football.
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Again, Happy Birthday to Keith Jackson, the "Voice of College Football." Hunker Down in the Mud and Blood, rippin n snortin with the Big Uglies.

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Oct. 11th, 2014 08:08 pm Time to HUNKER DOWN and begin the Keith Jackson Birthday Week.

Happy Birthday this coming October 18th to ABC-TV's Keith Jackson, "The Voice of College Football."

The Big Uglies shake the tree and the linebackers pick up the pieces.
That’s kinda like stepping into a bear trap.
It’s a matter of grits, guts and gizzards.
It’s up and down the highway.
He was one man short on his ticket, otherwise he would have taken it home.
I thought he cantered in.
A truckload of hay bales fallin’ on him.
Hang in, hunker down, and hold on.
If you’re a lonely soul with only coyotes to listen to you’d know that comment came from a quarterback.
I’m tellin’ ya, that’s a knucklebuster.
He’s risking his life going back in the middle where the big trees were.
You’ve got to admire the Buckeyes for hitchin’ up their britches and coming back.
They’re all jacked up.
He was just walloped.
There comes a time no matter how fancy you are you just gotta hunker down and play.
You beat on him and beat on him like an old church bell and suddenly he throws a touchdown.
And he’ll go home with your favorite hat.
He wouldn’t mind smilin’ going to supper.
With the ball on your own one your mountain gets pretty high pretty quick.
If here’s something in the catalog under “trickery” now’s a good time.
An old-fashioned country hit on a running back.
The Hawkeyes loaded up and laid their ears back and were coming.
They decided to make him the horse in this half.
Not a bad place to hunker down for the holidays.
I think you can put that in the category of “door-slammer.”
He’d take on a buffalo.
It’ll stop the creek.
Oh, my.
He’s had a goodly bit of rest.
They’ve made their mountain a little higher.
They’ve made their mountain a little higher.
You could go goofy sittin’ under a shade tree talking about the Rose Bowl picture.
Michigan will get the ball back, but it’s a different critter this time.
I will fall off my chair if they score up the middle.
Tryin’ to get a convoy around the corner.
He went through there like an 18 wheeler going downhill.
Boom! The door was open.
That one almost turned into a Yellow Brick Road.
That linebacker pinned his ears back and laid a few licks on folks.
That lick they heard in West Allis.
Grittin’ n’ gruntin’
Their defense is like a cactus rollin’ downhill.
There’s a lot of whoopies and hotdogs in that one.
Rippin’ n’ snortin’
An old-fashioned jawbone type of game.
He threw a wounded goose.
He hit that one right up the silo.
It’s like trying to tackle a ball-bearing.
Rollin’ around in the mud and the blood with the “Big Uglies.”
He couldn’t make a tail-dragger of it.
A “battleship.”
Takin’ up acreage.
You just gotta back up and wail it.
Sawmill gravy.
He met a little bit of grief along the line of scrimmage.
It’s now become a buffet table for the Florida passing game.
Tryin’ to put a “door-slammer” here.
He got two flags before you could say, “Howdy.”
As for the Trojans the creek has risen.
A goodly bit better than the first possession.
They are a’ pluggin’
Here’s where you find some treasure.
Dinkin’ and dunkin’
The Buckeye defense didn’t leave much time to go shoppin’.
Hit him so hard he lost his hat.
There’ll be some raggin’ round the old fireplace at Christmas.
They’re runnin’ all the clean shirts into the ballgame.
Cinderella refuses to go back to blue-jeans.
Whackin’ and a’crackin’
The defense’s gotta hunker down here.
They stretched the chin-straps on that tackle.
Fate: what a funny little thing you are.
He had a rose garden to the end zone.
It was as soft as buttermilk and he dropped it.
His feet got a little happy on him.
Well, now.
He rumbles like an 18 wheeler.
He was out there like a blackjack pine.
A lot of grazin’ land in front of him.
He’s a rumblin’.
A sturdy old fellow.
The big guy went down the highway like a runaway freight.
A bone-bending tackle.
And’How do you do?’ We’ve got a ballgame.
Grease the rollers, this ani’t over yet.
They’ve just hunkered down.
The wheels are round but he’s not rollin’
My kind of game: Big Uglies and tight ends.
Well, the Big Uglies hunker down and roll around in the mud and the blood and sometimes get a piece of the glory.
Those linebackers have been stackin’ wood all day.
He takes a little bit of whackin’ and crackin’
The “Big Mah-Loo” is waitin’ for the outcome of this one.
He heard the thundering hooves behind him and dropped the ball.
He can move the stack.
The big fella would’ve had the ball and been rumblin’.
You just pick one of these guys and he’ll take your hat off.
A little piece of the sugar for the big ol’ blocking back.
Nothing but tail-lights and a TD.
They’re teetering towards “Hallelujah Land.”
No striped arms reaching for the heavens yet.
They got on the front porch, but they can’t squeeze in the front door.
He’ll put a dent in your ice cram cone.
If he’s got anything up his sleeve he’d better shake it out now.
That’s like throwin’ to an armoire with an open door.
He was about to have a wall fall on him.
They’re whoopin’ it up at the old horseshoe.
Anytime your quarterback is out there running among the buffalo, you wonder if he can roller-skate.
The folks in the backroom would call that a “tattoo.”
One of these freshmen better be Walter Mitty by suppertime.
It was a wounded goose.
That’ll do.
Well, Old Mo has changed shirts.
Got his britches dirty.
An arm like a buggy whip.
That’s called a lick where I come from.
When the Big Uglies are havin’ a rock’em, sock’em in the tenches, there’s bound to be some paint-swappin’ going on.
Ohhh, that’s why they don’t have any sycamore trees outside the stadium.
He went and found every corn-fed and hand spanked Georgia boy he could.
He’s a burner.
There’s a possum huntin’ moon in the sky.
Merciful goodness, six points just went a wastin’.
They didn’t just burn down the barn, they took a couple of rows of the cornfield.
Well, break out the bubbly, they’re gonna party in Ann Arbor tonight.
Both teams have a defense that’ll part your hair.
The crowd has hunkered down.
He’s a hoss and a half.
They’ve got to hitch up their britches, they’re behind by 14 points.
“Old Mo” has put on a different colored shirt.
If you’ve got any tricks in your sack, this might be time to pick one.
Fumble!
Give him time, he’ll put a hole in your cheesecloth.
There’s very little gas on this plane.
It’s a gut tough day.
The fat lady is still singin’.
He heard the pounding hooves.
You look down the roster at all the Big Uglies who roll around in the mud and the blood and they’re all from Wisconsin.
He runs down rabbits just for exercise.
The ball came out of there like a hot rock.
So they hunker down and cause a little trouble.
He is a tree.
You come to town in a rubber-tired surrey and leave in a trash wagon with your feet sticking out.
That’s old jawbone football, isn’t it.
Fourth and half a mile.
He can rumble.
Onside kick? No, just knock it out of town.
They’ll knock a few leaves off the trees today.
He moves the pile.
There was a falling wall coming.
It’s like going into a big dark hole going into that line of scrimmage.
He’s a load.
There’s been more moves here than in a twelve hour chess game.
They will come up and put a hat on you.
You do need those Big Uglies believin’ in you.
You can’t hang it up in the wind like that one and expect to take it home with you.
So the Buffaloes are continuing to do the tango: 1-2-3, kick.
There’s gotta be Big Uglies rollin’ around in the mud and the blood.
Michigan gets tougher than a stone fence down there.
In a season college football, this is the weekend with whiskers.
They stuck his ear right in the ground.
He was crafted from an old anvil, tied together with a mainspring.
His tank got a little empty around the 20 yard line.
When you’ve got (Ohio State’s) Winfield Garrett blurring your vision, you don’t have a lot of druthers.
They can rumble with you up there.
You have to wrap those Nebraska runners. If you’ve got a rope, use that too.
They’ve traded a lot of paint down in the trenches.
This is why we hunker down.
That just released the air, unless there’s another balloon floating around.
He’s takin’ up half the valley himself at 275 pounds.
That’s where your ring a little bit, when you go up the middle.
Write his name down, no supper.
Give him a crack and you’re looking at his hip-pocket.
Then you’re worried about a slow mule with a short rope.
You can’t be toe-dancing down there, they’ll give you a tattoo.
That ball was a hummer.
The water in the well may be getting a bit low.
That’ll have frost on it when it comes down.
Antoine is a target, it’s like throwing the ball against a wall.
Without him I’m not sure Auburn’s a three wheel wagon, much less four.
When he moved from Alabama down to Auburn some of the trees lost their bark.
He canters in.
Bet they got chainsaws before the days is over.
Hold on to your cushion.
Student body right, and he gets about halfway to the English classroom.
He just hunkered down there waitin’ for someone to come his way.
He’ll loosen your cap if you take him head on.
There’s a lot of quicksand and mud holes between here and there.
He can do a tap dance on your coffin.
He’s hunkered down at nose tackle.
He’s decided to go out there and do some paint-swappin’.
When you have the size and speed, you’ve got to hunker down.
This means you gotta get down there in the mud and blood where the big boys play.
He got in the hip pocket of the fullback and rode the wave.
Somebody’s got hoof marks on their back.
Washington needs some conversation now.
Look at this pass: dropped it like a petal from a rose.
We still got fire under the cooker.
He’s got a handle, but it ain’t very big.
There were too many big ol’ horses in front of Drew (Olson, UCLA).
The big hammer.
He came through there like a ferret fallin’ through a tree.
The irish have the game in the refrigerator and the butter’s getting cold.
And they’re puttin’ on the door hinges.
The horse is out of the barn.
He hit that thing up there where it was almost cool.
That’s a long whistle on a dark night out in a swamp with nobody listening.
They did not give him time to ponder.
It’ll be like pulling a nail out of a hard oak, scoring a touchdown.
It’s amazing how the bottom of the barrel disappears on those catches.
Watch out, this fellow can burn the wind.
That’ll get the liniment.
One more season he can get his own banjo.
He heard the pounding hooves.
This is like running into a stump.
He’s a thumper.
When he arrives the closet doors shake.
There’s gonna be some head-knockin’, I’m glad I’m not a paint salesman Monday morning.
So Tennessee has just upholstered their seat in the catbird house.
He almost tap-danced his way through the traffic.
A look what I found catch.
Well, how do you do?
Here are the Bruins in “Be Careful” Country.
He threw a balloon.
Old Mo has no dignity – he changes clothes in public.
When they let the fat men use their arms they really changed the game, didn’t they?
There’s half a dozen thumpers at tailback.
And so the moon will come up around the bend of the river.
He sticks his head in the stack.
He can catch B.B.’s in the dark.
You can’t let him get a second foot on the ground, otherwise he’ll beat you like a drum.
All the folks wearing red are wearing out the palms of their hands.
He just locked the door on them.
Here you’re gonna see some thumpin’
He’s a load of pain.
Those boys who have played most of the game are not going to be nimble at the dance.
It’s second down and a ton.
Those big people know how to hunker down.
They burned the clock.
There is a posse waiting for him.
Money drives the bus.
We have a small novel to unravel here.
He sure as heck can lay a knot on you.
That is having your bell rung.
He’ll take it and beat on you all day.
There’s a lot of time left to dance.
He’s right there like a great big ol’ tree.
He shows his hip pockets to the (Stanford) Cardinal and gets the first down.
The river is crooked and the waters are deep. The day ain’t over.
Lo and behold, the neighbor comes down the road and whacks ‘em.
The earth may crack, they scuffle every year.
He’s the train you get behind.
All the burners have come out on the field now.
Runnin’ in behind that big mountain.
The big ol’ tight end rumblin’ up the field.
A touchdown puts a crimp in the bonnet, doesn’t it?


He needs to start hearing the pounding hooves.
This time there’s a lick on him.
So they’ll go to the sidelines, hitch up their britches, shine up their shoes, and get ready to play the fourth quarter.
Their pocket’s had a hole in it most of the season.
First you see him inside, now you watch his hip pocket go outside.
It’s right down the highway.
Runnin’ like he’s on rails.
He’s a bulldog – he just hunkers down.
Everyone’s gonna get a taste of the sod.
You don’t open the door unless you know who’s knockin’
He was half a step from being long gone.
The rest of us are out here sloshing around in the mud and blood.
Two big ol’ buffaloes there, they got their horns locked.
So, Miss Mary, stand by, here we come.
It’s like breaking your shoelace on the way to the prom.
Boy, that may be a knuckle-buster right here.
He’s got a picket line around him.
He locked him up and put him in the closet.
They’ve tasted the dark side of the bread.
He’s got good wheels.

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Oct. 10th, 2014 06:41 pm Barry Switzer Tells Everyone What They Already Knew.

This just in from USA Today:

Longtime Oklahoma head coach Barry Switzer has never been bashful when it comes to telling stories about his time with the Sooners.

Switzer told USA Today Thursday that during his time as a coach he used his relationship with a local sheriff to keep minor incidents about his players out of the limelight.

“I’d have local county people call me and say, ‘One of your guys is drunk and got in a fight and is jail down here.’ And I’d go down and get him out. Or I’d send an assistant coach down to get his (butt) out,” Switzer said Thursday. “The sheriff was a friend of the program. He didn’t want the publicity. He himself knew this was something we didn’t need to deal with in the media or anything with publicity.”

Switzer coached as an assistant and head coach at OU from 1966 to 1988, long before the 24-hour news cycle and the constant presence of social media. Switzer said things could be handled in a different manner back then.

“This is back before social media and the internet and all that,” he said. “And most colleges ran it that way. Most coaches ran it that way. We all did.”

Switzer said that he and his assistants were in control of the discipline for players. An example of Switzer’s punishment would be forcing a player to run the stadium steps in the early morning.

“We could handle things internally in an era 30 years ago that you can’t today,” Switzer said. “You get a traffic ticket today, it’s everywhere. No one escapes what we have today, the attention and technology we have today. It was a different era, a different time.”

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Oct. 5th, 2014 08:42 pm Notes on a Significant Weekend in College Football.

On Saturday night Michigan lost to Rutgers, 26-24, as its defense struggled to stop the Scarlet Knights, whose quarterback, Gary :Bossa" Nova, threw for a career-high 404 yards.

Michigan trailed at halftime, 19-17, and bumbled through the third quarter before staging a too-late comeback. Rutgers blocked a 56-yard field-goal attempt that would have put the Michiganders ahead in the game’s final minutes.

The loss, which dropped Michigan to 2-4 over all and 0-2 in the Big Ten, is likely to further rattle the team’s fans and shorten the coaching career of Brady Hoke. Hoke as in rhymes with "Choke."

Rutgers is 5-1 halfway through the season.
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On Thursday Oregon lost 31-24 to Arizona - the Wildcats upset the heavily favored Men of Feather for the second consecutive season. Arizona was a 24 point underdog.

Duck QB Marcus Marriota shouldered the blame for a loss that left No. 2 Oregon with a tough hill to climb if it wants an invite to college football’s first postseason playoff.
“They’re undefeated,” he said. “It’s obviously a testament to our conference. If you’re not prepared each week, if you’re not ready to play, you’ll lose.”

Arizona freshman Nick "Her Mr." Wilson ran for two touchdowns and caught a TD from quarterback Anu Solomon to help the Wildcats pluck the Ducks.

Arizona is 5-0
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In Oxford, Mississippi
The Ole Miss Rebels earned a spot in the Top Twenty by ending a 10-game choking streak against Alabama, one of college football’s best teams. Nick "Satan" Saban, who is his eighth year as coach, has won three national titles at Alabama.

Ole Miss trailed by 14-3 at halftime, but Bo Wallace threw three second-half touchdown passes to pull out the victory, his 34-yarder to Vince Sanders with 5 minutes 29 seconds left tying the score at 17-17. After Ole Miss recovered a fumble on the ensuing kickoff, Wallace connected with Jaylen "John-Boy" Walton for a 10-yard score with 2:54 left to put the Rebels ahead, 23-17.

Alabama blocked the extra-point attempt, giving the Men of Tide some hope. But cornerback Senquez Golson sealed the Ole Miss victory, intercepting a Blake Sims pass in the back of the end zone with 37 seconds remaining.

Ole Miss’s third-year coach, Hugh "Deep" Freeze, said (no duh), “It’s one of the greatest victories in the history of our school.”

Ole Miss is 5-0
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Arizona State WR Jaelen Strong caught a 46-yard touchdown pass from Mike Bercovici as time expired, and the visiting Sun Devils scored three touchdowns in the final 3 minutes 53 seconds to shock No. 16 Southern California, 38-34, on Saturday night.

Trojans QB Cody Kessler passed for 273 yards for USC (Usually Seen Collapsing), who led, 34-25, with three minutes to play before choking and losing at home.
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Harvard crushed Georgetown, 34-3, at the Hoyas' Multi-Sport Field Saturday afternoon. Yale's high-flying offense topped the 50-point mark for the second time in three games Saturday as the Men of Eli destroyed Cornell (rhymes with Corn-smell) 51-13 at Schoellkopf Field in Ithaca NY. "The Game" in November is shaping up to be a battle of unbeatens. Ivy League football fans will celebrate by dressing up as empty seats.
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Field hockey: Wellesley striker Natalie Gruet had two goals and an assist to lead the No. 10 Wellesley Women to a 5-0 win over the Smith College Smithies in New England Women's and Men's Athletic Conference (NEWMAC) field hockey action Saturday.

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Oct. 1st, 2014 08:41 pm JETS Have a Players Only Crying Session.

In August JETS JETS JETS head coach Rex "Wonder Dog" Ryan gushed about his quarterback, Geno "Pizza Roll" Smith.

“Barring injury,” Ryan said, “I’m going to be shocked if this kid doesn’t take off.” That was before the JETS JETS JETS started playing football against teams other than 10 year old girls.

On Monday, after the team’s third consecutive turd, the JETS JETS JETS’ offense held a players-only meeting. "Pizza Roll" spoke, and he said that he was disappointed in himself. For the turnovers, he told them, seven in four games.

“I’ve just allowed some of those things to happen, which I can’t let happen,” Pizza Roll blubbered.

“It’s been frustrating at times because you’re giving everything you have,” Soon to be Fired head coach Ryan sobbed, “and unfortunately it hasn’t been good enough these last three weeks.”

Players-only meetings are never held when a team is winning, or when its quarterback is playing well.

They are held when a team stink bombs in its last 10 quarters and receivers drops six passes and is called for four false-start penalties on offense. They are held when a quarterback misfires to open receivers, bypasses running room for 6-yard completions on third-and-9, and makes stupid decisions and bad throws.

The meeting was helpful, "Pizza Roll" said, because it allowed players to vent, to express their feelings — in a positive manner, he stressed — in private. Not, say, in full view of JETS JETS JETS fans, some of whom spent part of their Sunday booing Smith and chanting for back-up QB/felon Michael "Pit Bull" Vick.

"Pizza Roll" had conducted himself with professionalism in his previous 19 games — before, during and afterward. When praising him, teammates and coaches have lauded Pizza Roll’s composure, a constant no matter how crappy the play.


In the weekend tilt against Detroit "Pizza Roll" completed 17 of 33 passes for 209 yards, with two turnovers.

Lions 24, JETS JETS JETS 17.

Current Mood: crappycrappy

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Sep. 24th, 2014 07:20 pm BEARS EAT JETS.

Early in the 4th quarter of Monday night’s game between the JETS JETS JETS and Duh Bears, Coach Rex "Wonder Dog" Ryan found himself with a difficult 4th-down decision. The JETS JETS JETS were down by 800 points and facing a 4th-and-2 at the Duh Bears’ 24-yard line. There were 9 minutes 56 seconds remaining — plenty of time. Wonder Dog did what JETS JETS JETS coaches do 100% of the time in those situations: He choked. But JETS JETS JETS kicker Nick Folk kicked the field goal successfully, cutting the Bears’ lead to 797.

After keeping the Duh Bears to a field goal on the next drive, the JETS JETS JETS found themselves with two more 4th-down crises late in the game, which they had no choice but to choke again. One the last chance Geno "Pizza Roll" Smith’s pass to Jeremy "Larry, Moe and" Kerley fell incomplete, and the Bears won the game.
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The JETS JETS JETS have the fifth-worst record in the N.F.L. on Monday nights.

Game Highlights:

Geno "Pizza Roll" Smith was intercepted on the game’s second play from scrimmage and the Duh Bears ran it back for a touchdown.

Later Duh Bears punted and a crisco-fingered JET JET JET fumbled it away; a few plays later, the Bears scored another touchdown.

At another point, as the JETS JETS JETS stood a few yards short of the goal line, Rex "Wonder Dog" Ryan neglected his sturdy pile-driving running backs and ordered Geno "Pizza Roll" Smith to try a quarterback sneak. Failure. The Bears did not get fooled. They stuffed the pizza roll.

In the third quarter, the JETS JETS JETS drove up the field. Pizza Roll Smith was almost masterly, zinging a high pass over the middle. Chris "Tickling the" Ivory, ran like a dart. They drew within sight of the goal line. The fans went wild. But a Bears defender, of course, intercepted it.

Game over. Just End the Suffering.

Current Mood: confusedconfused

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Sep. 15th, 2014 06:54 pm Miscellaneous ANGER and RAGE.

HFN is a bit upset this week.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell-Boob is in damage control after police reported the NFL was sent a video of Ray Rice punching his wife months ago. Add to that Rice himself told Goodell-Boob he punched his wife. Which begs the question, "What did Goodell-Boob ignore, and when did he ignore it?"
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Washington owner Danny Snyder needs to change the name of his football team. Think of it this way: Would anyone in his right mind walk up to a Native American and say, "Hey, Redskin" ?
Change the team name now, Danny.

Then report to HFN,

With your head on a platter.
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Minnesota Viking RB Adrian "A.D." Peterson was indicted recently for taking a switch (a soft stick that's the same as a leather whip) to his 4 year old son. The whipping given by Peterson left welts. Peterson's reasoning was that this was acceptable because this is what his father did. Understand this: it is impossible for any four year old to do anything that would deserve a whipping like Adrian Peterson gave his own son, and second, it's not the Spanish Inquisition anymore, Adrian. Lucky for A.D. there is a facility near his home in Texas he can go to for his parenting issues. It's called Huntsville State Penitentiary. Don't rush, A.D., stay there awhile.

Add to this: At Sunday's Vikings game some troglodyte fan showed up in a Peterson jersey and she brought a switch with her to show her support for A.D. HFN has found a new low in stupid.

Too many Vikings fans showed up wearing Peterson jerseys.
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Niners QB Colin Kaepernick: Gift giving is fine, especially on birthdays and Christmas, but there's no need to be giving games away. Bears 28, Niners 20.

Current Mood: angryangry

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Sep. 8th, 2014 07:20 pm Ray Rice, Please report to HFN, with your Head on a Platter.

Ray Rice was fired by the NFL after TMZ broadcast a shocking hotel security camera video.

The video shows Rice punching his fiancée, who is now his wife, in the face, leaving her motionless on the floor of a hotel elevator in Atlantic City in February. He then dragged her, unconscious, from the elevator. The grainy, black-and-white clip showed Rice cold-cocking his then fiancée, Janay Palmer, the mother of his young daughter, in the head, then dragging her unconscious body out of a casino elevator like a pile of dirty laundry. He appeared to spit on her. He shoved her. Then as Ray Rice stood by, doing nothing, she sat up, seeming dazed as another man appeared to console her and help her to her feet.

Rice was charged with felony assault in March, but after his wife, Janay Palmer, declined to testify (WTF?), charges were dropped and court-supervised counseling was ordered. Roger Goodell-Boob, the N.F.L. commissioner, disciplined Rice in July by slapping him gently on the wrist, a penalty that was widely criticized by Everyone in the Whole Wide World as too lenient.

N.F.L. Commissioner Roger Goodell-Boob later blubbered in a letter to team owners that he made a mistake imposing only a two-game ban on the Baltimoron Ravens’ Ray Rice.
Goodell-Boob has been criticized for not being more concerned about domestic violence.

In August, after an uproar over his handling of the Rice case, Goodell-Boob blubbered that he had bungled the case and announced new, tougher standards for players and league employees who are found to have committed domestic violence.

After saying for weeks that he had acted appropriately by suspending Rice for two games, Goodell-Boob said that in the future, any NFL employee, including non-players, would be suspended for six games for a first offense of domestic violence and a minimum of a year for a second offense.

In a letter to team owners, Goodell-Boob blubbered that he took responsibility “both for the decision and for ensuring that our actions in the future properly reflect our values. I didn’t get it right.”

The Baltimoron Ravens’ coach, John "The Dumb Brother" Harbaugh, said he stood by Rice, his star running back, and Baltimoron Ravens fans gave Rice a loud ovation during a preseason game. No wonder the Colts left town. With fans like these who needs brain-dead yokel idiots?

Ravens fans and John Harbaugh:

Please report to HFN

With your heads on platters.

Current Mood: angryangry

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